A Beloved Challenge: 29

Well, it happened. My birthday came and went. I am 29 and 1 day old today.

I didn't know how to celebrate this year. I thought...maybe I'll have a dinner out. Or maybe I'll take a trip into the mountains to play in the snow. Or maybe I'll go shopping with the best of the best. And before I knew it, the day was upon me.

I have friends everywhere. Some days I don't see that. There are lonely days. Isolated days. Fearful days. But I am protected and loved wherever I go. Beneath all of the anxiety, under the rough water in the deep calm, the Lord's built a web of connections to so many people.

I saw that yesterday. A whole gaggle of people emailing me to send their birthday wishes. There was a beautifully over the top buffet in my honor in the break room. Maroon bunting. Little orange roses. All the things you need to make a parfait (yogurt and berries, of course, for those of us who are being good). They handed me a teal tiara.

It didn't stop there. Smiles and hugs all day. I could sense the Lord whispering "I love you, Val. These people love you. You're important."

When I got home, I still hadn't decided what to do with my evening. I knew John would be coming through the door any minute asking for a plan. How do people my age celebrate their birthday? What if I don't want to go out to a nice dinner? What if I want to stay in? A book signing had caught my eye earlier that day. Is that even an option?

I stopped for a moment to remember what the Lord was saying. "I love you, Val...You're important." And in that freedom, I chose to stop worrying and listen to myself. This is really just the beginning of a year of finding my voice...of learning to dream. I choose to step forward. One step down.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

Woah, my hair.

I have to share this with you. I need to share it with everyone I know.

I got my hair cut today.

I've known my hair stylist for a long time. She's my girl. If you're looking for a new stylist in the Seattle area, let me know. Ashley is amazing. I've never got up from her chair feeling anything but absolutely beautiful inside and out. I usually sit down in her chair, fumble out a couple of adjectives in a disjointed sentence, and she creates something amazing everytime!

I went in today with the intention of cutting my hair a little shorter than normal...and well...that happened.

The results are pretty dramatic.

After showing her two pictures, one shorter than the other, her face lit up and she talked me into. Going with the shorter of the two.  AND THANK GOD SHE DID.

Before:

After:

How is it that I feel prettier, and more like a lady, when my hair is super short? 

Ok, that's all. 

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Five Minute Friday || See.

Friends, This is fun for me. The idea that I can share my heart with you in community. It's all very new. And every time I go to hit the publish button I hesitate.

My stomach turns in knots.

I start to get a little frantic and begin pouring over every word choice.

I wonder if there's anything here that's worth caring about.

And yet here I am, trying again, and I feel like the Lord is telling me "See, Val. Everything's ok. You're worthy and wonderful. Keep going."

So, today I'm choosing to lift my eyes and look out on all that is ahead of me. Instead of looking in and dwelling on all that could be wrong and that isn't enough (oh,what a terrible trap that is), I'm going to look up to the one who made me in thankfulness.

I can already sense the freedom.




{Today I’m linking up with Lisa Jo Baker and a community of writers for Five Minute Friday. We write, post, and share a little love in the comments. Come see what we’re up to, won’t you?}

One word for 2014.

I sit here wondering how to tell this story.

Will anything I write make sense? Maybe not.

If you know me, I've probably told you something of my journey through the places I keep hidden in my heart. It's been over a year now. "Coming to terms with parts of my childhood" is what I was taught to say. I grew up in a chaotic, dysfunctional, alcoholic family. And if you asked me, everything was OK. Until one day, it wasn't.

With my eyes wide and wary, unable to see where I was going next, I put one foot in front of the other. That's all I could do. And all the while I prayed that the Lord would help me know Him and believe Him. I had to go back to basics.

Most nights I didn't sleep. The burden was too much and all I wanted to do was hide.

And I did hide. I hid under my blankets. I covered my face.

But, little by little, a light was shone on those dark corners.

I learned to say things out loud that I'd never said before.

I cried a lot.

Some days I could feel the broken pieces of my heart being stitched back together by the Creator of it all.

He's still working. I'm not done. But I can say to you today, with a smile on my face, that I'm better.

It's with that behind me that I gladly face 2014. I have high hopes of learning who I am. What I like. What I don't like. What I need. What I want. What I'm good at. I want to give myself a voice. All of these things that I've never had before.

I think about things like "How can I grow into myself?" and "What do I really want to do with this life?" The fantasies I've allowed myself so far have been so small. And I don't want to do small anymore.

Dream.

I talked about it just for a quick minute on A Collaborative Effort.

DREAM.

This is my word for 2014. And I'm praying for all that word encompasses.

Oh dear Jesus, will you place the dreams you have for me in my heart? I know that what you dream for me is so much bigger than I could ever imagine. Give me the eyes to see them clearly. Give me courage to be myself and to act when I feel you nudge my spirit. Thank you for who you are and for all that you've done for me. You are all that I need.   

Some days I wake up with hymns in my head.

Today is one of those days. I can't help but think of my sweet grandmother, playing the organ with her shoes off while light pours in through the sanctuary windows. We sit in familiar pews, singing with our coats on, waiting for the heat to kick on.

Higher.

I could just sit
I could just sit and wait for all your goodness
Hope to feel your presence
And I could just stay
I could just stay right wehre I am and hope to feel you
Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But you have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I will go where you will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I will go where you lead me Lord
Where you lead me
Where you lead me Lord

And I will be Yours
I will be Yours for all my life
So let your mercy light the path before me


    

Just a reminder.