Last week's thoughts. Do I dare?

Some days I don't pick up my phone. I intentionally bury my phone in the bottom of my purse I won't hear it ringing while I'm running errands. I leave it there when I get home in a place out of reach. The missed call messages and voice mails start to pile up. Messages I don't ever get around to listening to. Some days I cancel my plans at the last minute - texting an apology with a made up conflict. I might be working late. I might be coming down with something. But I'm really just avoiding. I'm buried in worry and doubt. I'm overwhelmed by trying to live life on my own.

For the longest time I had no idea what lies behind my outward behavior. No one's ever really called me out. There aren't any "Where've you been's?" or "We miss you's!" or "Is everything ok's?" I'm so good at pretending to be normal...not ever being really known...that even I don't suspect a thing on most days.

I've started to imagine all of this pent up-smooshed up stuff like the ultimate muffin top. It's all there, years and years of ignoring what I feel, and it's starting to spill over the top! All that stuff you don't get to process through, for whatever reason, doesn't go away. But I just suck it in and zip it up. By now you can bet it all comes naturally, automatically... And yet, it doesn't feel quite right.

There is good news. I'm learning that {it's ok to not be ok.} Ultimately, there's a purpose in hardship. I'm not in control and I can't fix myself. But I have a God who knows me, loves me, stays close to me, and is big enough for all of my problems. He died for my freedom, and so toward it, baby step by baby step, I will walk.